Well this is a little embarrassing for a book dragon to admit but like the title suggests I’ve really been struggling to read anything for the past few months. My mental health has been in the toilet this year, especially since August/September and I had a bit of a ‘wobble’ in October. Because of this I haven’t been able to maintain attention on any tasks or activities which has resulted in me neglecting my hobbies and passions. I’m pretty sure not indulging in anything that I used to enjoy has just made the whole thing worse too. I feel like I lost touch with everything I enjoy. I think people often undervalue how much engaging in your hobbies actually helps to ground you and keep your brain functioning.

I started feeling really anxious all the time and even had a few panic attacks. I went on meds in September but they really weren’t useful at all. They worked by reducing my heart rate and blood pressure when a panic attack would start. They worked ok for that but left me with a really funny feeling. It was really annoying that I was only given meds to deal with a panic attack instead of any actual help to stop me feeling anxious. If you only give someone something to reduce the symptoms of a panic attack they’re not going to stop getting them (IMO).

In October I started having weekly sessions with someone to talk through what’s been going on in my head and this really helped a lot. We actually talked about this blog and how much reading usually helps me and my mental health but I just couldn’t hold my attention when reading. I picked up so many books during this time and would only read the first 15 pages before giving up.

After I had my ‘wobble’ in middle October I was experiencing the world in a weird haze. I figured I wouldn’t get any better while taking the meds so in early November I went back to the Doctors and said I wouldn’t take them anymore. They recommended a few mental health work plans to do instead as they thought that would help me more but these were all things I could just access online so they wouldn’t involved in any of the process. Initially I was worried about this but I think its actually helped my recover more to just go at my own pace with it. Obviously I had to be pretty disciplined about it.

I kept having the weekly sessions and started journaling. Using a journal and prompts I find relevant to my situation have really helped me out. Its not the kind of journaling you initially think of, with beautiful watercolour spreads, but just literally sitting down and writing with a notebook and pen. Its been so much easier to deal with the shit in my brain when its written on a page in front of me. My problems don’t seem as large when they’re in tiny writing on a page.

How is this helping with my reading? I’ve actually started reading again (and even watching some anime). I guess because journaling works by getting the thoughts out of your brain, there’s actually room for me to fill with a story. I haven’t finished a book yet though, let’s not get carried away. 😅 I’m making slow progress, just reading for 30 minutes every day (all my brain can managed atm), but I’m still making my way through a book. I’m reading one of my friend’s book currently: The Iron Crown by L.L. MacRae. Its actually a SPFBO 2021 finalist! You can find info on that here.

I’m doing a lot better overall so please no one worry! 2021 was just a shit year for me in both my personal life and career but I’m pretty sure I’m on the up now. Hope you are all staying safe. Remember to get your boosters and test at least once a week. I had my booster jab on Friday and am doing a PCR test before I hang out with friends and family this Christmas.